Resolve

Man ..... am I ever going through it tonight!!!!!

SAND BURN! (This only makes sense if you've read my posts from yesterday)

As I said, I love the moments alone with God! In honesty though, I don't like the stretching, and tonight I feel like Mr Fantastic or Elastigirl from the Incredibles!

In a nutshell .....

My Story .....

Growing up in our house was never without its drama. Many times I have noted that I was angry A LOT in those days. On the rare occasion that I actually reflect back, it's amazing to me that I lived to be 42 years old. Parental guidance was conflicted in our house, and many times it felt as though we were raising ourselves. That, in itself, explains a lot about my personality. The rest is explained in the character of my parents. My mom was a devout Christian - making sure we were raised in church, always reading her Bible, praying more times than I can count and was submitted to my dad to a fault. Now, what she prayed, why she prayed or how she prayed, I do not know. Dad was an alcoholic, a scoundrel and a tyrant - with no affiliation to church or God at all. In all my living with him, I only saw my dad drunk three times, but I NEVER saw him sober. His days began in the morning with Crown Royal and ended at night with a Miller High Life pony. Alas, these were my role models, and the Spiritual Battles that ensued because of their faiths, or lack there of, wreaked daily havoc on the lives of all of us kids. Hence my anger.

What I escaped from their house with caused years of turmoil in my own life. Never having been taught the dangers of drinking or the power of prayer, I drank myself into a lot a really bad moments, to include jail on my 27th birthday, and offered up some ridiculous prayers on the chance that God would actually answer them and get me out of trouble ...... again and again. Not having enough knowledge to know that if I prayed first, I could have avoided the situations I kept finding myself in.

Tonight, I have met my resolve.

Growing up in church, Preacher Carter always talked about the Power of God and how God is in Control. NOT IN OUR HOUSE! Daddy was in control of that circus ..... trust! Many times in services, he would talk about fearing the Lord. Never knew what it meant, but I didn't like the sound of that, either. Now, you understand, I was saved. I had full knowledge that Jesus died for me. Came into that knowledge when I was 11, and never doubted it. What I knew was that Jesus loved me, so me and Jesus were OK. BUT ..... God on the other hand ..... God was the judger, and I had enough of that in the hell we lived in between Sundays. No thanks! So I lived clinging to the cross and not much else for a long time.

What I know tonight is that with ALL of the Christians I know, or have known in my life, my Dad has had the biggest impact on my walk with God ..... more so than any of them. This explains exactly why it took 22 years before I realized that receiving salvation and making Jesus Lord of my life weren't the same thing. It explains exactly why my twenties are a blur of night clubs, drinking and parties. It explains exactly why my life was continuously upside down. I escaped from the hell I was comfortable with and went out in to the big bad world totally unprepared for anything. I was angry at my parents, angry at our family for not even attempting to help and I was angry at God for allowing my life to be what it was. In the earthly view, God had no authority in our house, and He definitely wasn't in charge of anything. So, when I got out on my own, I had little to no experience of the love of God and didn't know enough to even want to go to Him when I should have. More than anything else, it was the "Fear the Lord" thing. I knew what fear was. I had lived in it every day of my life, and had NO desire to voluntarily agree to it continuing. As a child, I had no choice. As an adult, I did, and I wasn't having it.

Sitting here right now, I find myself in conflict. There is an overwhelming urge to pick up the phone and call Daddy, even Mom, but mostly Dad, and cuss him out for everything. Give him the what for - letting him know that ALL of my crap really belongs to him. I choose not to.

I have no idea why God ever allowed all those days of hopelessness to persist in our house. I have no idea why the ugliness had to get even uglier before it ended, and why God allowed us kids to have to go through all of the pain, fear and suffering that we did. Coming into the epiphany I had tonight, I'm not sure I want to know.

Here is what I have resolved in my heart ..... God knew before He ever sent me here what my life would be. I also believe that I, too, knew. The Bible says before God formed me in the womb, He knew me. The Bible also tells us that ALL creation was completed in Genesis. I wasn't born until 1966, so I believe I knew Him, too. The reason I was so willing to come here into this family is because I agreed in the presence of the Lord, where Unconditional Love abounds. Because there was no question that God loved me, there was no concern that He would send me in harm's way. As a created being of God, before being born, I had no knowledge of what living here would actually be, so my trust in God and His goodness assured me that I would be ok. It wasn't until I was actually away from the tangible presence of God that I faltered. (I know these are deep waters, and I will cover them in a later blog; but, I needed to touch on them for a moment in this story). Now that I have come back to God's Unconditional Love, I know again, that I will be ok. It started with God, and it will end with Him.

I have resolved that if it took all of those years of unhappiness to bring me to where I am today, it was all worth it; and, I would live it all over again - THE SAME WAY - to get to where I am with God! Because, I am with God! I may not understand all of it, but I am not lost! I can live my life under a solid woah is me, or I can learn and grow and move forward. I refuse to be a victim of those childhood circumstances. Instead, I choose to allow those times to make me stronger and better than I have been in days before. And, now, when thinking about Daddy and all of those fearful, painful sad days .....

Having the realization that our Jesus died on that Cross by the hand of God - nothing that I can think of makes holding on to the bad worth it. How could I ever believe it would be ok to look the Lord in His face and say "but, you don't know what my daddy did to me" .....

In Resolution,

Kalena Smiles