Thirteen years ago ... November 22, 2000, to be exact ... I had a personal encounter with God that changed everything in my life, and, by everything, I mean every single thing; the way I think, the way I talk, the way I live, the way I AM. I was a ship wreck of Titanical proportions in serious need of a life line. Nothing I was doing was working to change anything, and bad turned to worse with every passing second. Something was missing, and I knew in my heart that something was actually someone ... God. Though I had received Christ as my Savior years before, I was not living my life in such a way that anyone would notice. Yet, the emptiness I knew in my heart I had tried to fill with so many other things could only be filled by Him. Then ... in one single moment of miraculous "immediately", He showed up and the power of God swept through my life and changed everything.
Today, I find myself sitting in a familiar seat. There is an emptiness that has manifested itself in my life that only He can fill ... again. I suppose this is what the Bible is referring to when it speaks of growing from faith to faith, because, unlike the one from 13 years ago, God created this one. Though, it's not so much of an emptiness this time, as it is a hunger and longing. The feeling is the same. The aim is different. Over these 13 past years, the past 13 months specifically, the Lord has stretched my faith to paper thin, transparent even. From Genesis to Revelation, stretching, stretching, stretching! I have wrestled WITH Him. I have wrestled FOR Him, and, Truth says, I have wrestled AGAINST Him! I make no apologies for any of it. God, and God alone, has walked me across the waters of these past months and currently stands with me over the Mariannas Trench. Only in His Presence is it possible to be frustrated beyond human comprehension and in confident expectation of divine promise at the exact same moment, with fullness in understanding of both emotions.
This part of my walk with Him has been both glorious and infuriating at the exact moment a multitude of times, and, dare I say ..... I have been angrier and more disappointed with God through this period than at any other point with anyone else in my life ..... EVER! I know it, and He knows it. He knows it, because I tell Him. I don't apologize for it, because HE created me this way, He knows the end from the beginning; and, NOTHING I do, or say, comes as a surprise to Him. I am as real with God, as I am with the people I see physically everyday. In return, He is more real with me today than I ever knew was a possibility, so, when I'm angry about something with Him, I tell Him. It makes no sense to me to start a prayer out praising, when He knows I don't mean it. I get to that, but, how I am when I talk to Him is how I am. I'm not going to lie and spout out a bunch of thank you Jesuses when I don't mean it, and I am NOT thankful for some of the things I see and experience. Yes, I am aware that the Bible says be thankful in ALL things, not just the things my finite little mind understands ...... but, I'm sorry ..... I refuse to go to God in deceit. If I'm not happy, or I'm angry, that's the way I go to Him ..... and I STAY there until I'm on the other side of it.
Make no mistake .... there is no disrespect here, no heresy, no lack of reverence .... I am gloriously, and painfully, aware, God is God and I AM NOT! As a matter of truth, precisely in THAT Truth, God is God, that I am the way I am. I AM ... THE WAY ... I AM! He has told His children to come boldly before the throne of grace to receive His help ..... boldly doesn't mean panicked, whining and crying, hopeless and unbelieving. It means BOLDLY! So, in obedience to His OWN Word, that is exactly what I do. I expect for Him to be WHO He says He is. I expect Him to be HOW He says He is. Anything less than Him to be who the Bible says He is ..... unacceptable to me! I expect everyone of the promises He has spoken in His Word to manifest in my life ON THIS EARTH! I expect Divine Angelic Protection every single moment of every single day of my life ON THIS EARTH! I expect miracles! I expect blessings! I expect signs and wonders! I expect visitations and manifestations! I expect to be blessed BY HIM, so that I can be a blessing .... in abundance. I expect His grace to flood my life every single second of every single minute of every single hour until He calls me home to glory (2086) or the rapture, whichever comes first!
I am not diluded. I am not misguided. I am not confused, and I am NOT mistranslating the Bible into something it was never intended to be. God is a God. He is Holy, and He is full of promise. He made His ways known to Moses, so He will make them known to me. he has given me the desires of my heart, and He will absolutely manifest them exceedingly, abundantly above the way I think on them. This is His promise to me as His daughter. I stand on these promises like a ROCK, because He cannot lie, will not deny Himself and, in Jesus' finished work at Calvary, I am a co-heir of all of this. God would NEVER ask me to be obedient to His Word, and not be obedient to it Himself. He knows I live in a sin-filled society, where few actually consider His ways and His will. If I, being the least, can, with my finite understanding, lack of ability and limitations by time and space, simply believe Him ...... He is WELL ABLE to bring to pass the Word He has spoken to me. Exceedingly great and precious promises, specifically designed FOR ME, inside the multitude of promises He has spoken for ALL of His children.
I know His voice. I know Who I believe, and I know where I sit with Him. The windows of heaven are undeniably open over my house, His Kingdom has come and His will is done at 20 Somerset Lane .... EXACTLY as it is in heaven!
In the Prison of Hope,
Kalena
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